


We fool around and fall apart

by brxveSam



Category: Supernatural
Genre: First Kiss, M/M, Pre-Series, Pre-Stanford, Underage Kissing, Wincest - Freeform, mentions of John and Mary - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-09
Updated: 2016-09-07
Packaged: 2018-07-22 13:36:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,564
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7441231
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brxveSam/pseuds/brxveSam
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They have always been too close. Closer than it would be normal for siblings. Sure, nothing was really normal in their lives but they were still too dependant on each other. But can you really blame them?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is a story i wanted to write for a really long time. It's basically how Sam and Dean new they were in love with each other but i hope i can write it in my own way and not in a way you have all read a thousand times! So i hope you enjoy this! I'm not sure how many chapters this will have or how often i will update but i hope you stay with my story!  
> Thank you for the beta @boykingofgondor (check her out) and to the Sin,Salt and Friendship groupchat for helping me with ideas and stuff!!

They have always been too close. Closer than it would be normal for siblings. Sure, nothing was really normal in their lives but they were still too dependant on each other. But can you really blame them?  
Can you blame them for getting itchy when they weren't together for longer then a few hours? Can you blame them when their Dad literally drilled the words 'watch out for Sammy' into Deans head? Can you blame them for not being able to sleep when they aren't pressed together when they spent most of their lives sharing a bed or the backseat of the Impala? John tried to break up their closeness by getting motels with 3 beds but that didn't stop either Sam or Dean from sneaking into the others bed at night. John thought they would grow out of it at some point; that Sam would hit puberty and wouldn't want to be that close to his brother anymore; that he would maybe need some space. But when John would wake up and find them tangled together when Sam hit 16 he was proven wrong.

I don't think anybody can blame them for being that close when it was the only way for them to survive in their way of living; when they were brought up living in each others space; never having their own room or their own anything; always sharing everything because money was always short. It really isn't their fault when their souls where meant to be together but they ended up in the body of two brothers.


	2. Chapter 2

For a long time they just thought they were a little closer than normal brothers because of the way they were brought up. Dean first discovered that he cared about Sam more than a brother should when Sam went on his first hunt with them. It had been 1997 and Sam had just turned 14. It should have been an easy salt and burn but when did things ever turn out the way they were supposed to in their life. It had been the ghost of a women murdered in her old house by her husband. They had chosen a hunt in an abandoned house because while John could lie like a pro he couldn`t really justify why his 14 year old son walked around with a shotgun. So they had picked an abandoned house with a ghost thas was supposed to be easy to kill. But they had underestimated the strength of the ghost. It had managed to throw Sam down a flight of stairs before they even got to the bones that were hidden in the basement. For Dean it had all happened in slowmotion. The one moment Sam had been at his side, barely an armlength away and the other moment he had been flying through the air down the stairs. When Dean had seen his baby brother laying at the bottom of the stairs without moving it was like everything stopped. He hadn't cared that there was an angry spirit coming after them. He hadn't cared that he was supposed to back up his father. It had been like his sight zeroed in on only his brother; like everything else going black exept Sam. He kind of remembered John shouting for him to focus and help him torch the spirit but he hadn't even thought about that for a second. He had only cared about getting to Sam as soon as possible to check if he was still alive. He had raced down the stairs in mere seconds and was at Sam's side in a heartbeat; reaching for his pulse and laying the other hand on his chest to feel for a heartbeat. He would never be able to explain how much relief he had felt when he felt Sam's little heart flutter under his hand and his pulse thudding under his fingers. He had picked him up and was about to carry him to the car when his fathers face appeared in his field of sight that was still focused on only Sam. His brain had registered his father yelling something at him but he hadn't been able make out any words because his brain had been occupied with getting Sam safe, getting Sam stitched up, getting Sam into a hospital because he had been pretty sure he had banged his head very bad and his arm was hanging at a weird angle. So he had just cradeled Sam closer in his arms and had pushed past his father in the direction of the car. He dully remembered saying something about taking Sam to the hospital and being back later. Besides, John had been there with his own car so he hadn't worried about him.  
He had probably broken every law in existance on his way to the hospital but when Sammy was hurt there was not much Dean cared about besides his Sammy. Sam had still been unconscious. Dean had layed Sam across the front seat with his head in Deans lap so he could have one hand carding through Sams hair, checking for pulse evey few seconds and mumbling calming words. If they were suppsed to calm the unconscious Sam or himself down hadn't really mattered. He had pulled into the parkinglot of the first hospital he could find and had been out of the car and pulling Sam back into his arm in the blink of an eye. He remembers how fragile and tiny Sam had felt in his arms. Like he would break if Dean held him too tight. What followed had been the worst moments of Dean's life up to this point. They had taken Sam away from him. His Sammy. He had probably been in shock because his brain hadn't been able to come up with a reason why they would need to seperate them. They had kept telling him that they couldn't have Dean standing in the way while they treated Sam's injuries and that his brother would be up and about quicker if he let the doctors do their job. So he had ended up in some hallway in some hospital in some town he couldn't remember the name of. His Sammy; his baby brother was hurt and he could physically feel a pain in his chest. He had been crying silently; probably since he had picked Sam's small body up in the abandoned house but he had only registered when he had been standing there on his own that his cheeks were wet. He hadn't known right away that this wasn't the normal reaction when a sibling of yours got hurt but in the time he had waited for the doctors to be finished with Sam he had had time to think. Think about their lives. Think about him and Sam. Think about that he would have cared a hell of a lot less if John would have been the one to get hurt.  
When he had been allowed to see Sam after what felt like an eternity, the sleepy smile of a clearly dosed up on painmeds Sam had given him all the prove he had needed. His stomach had made some weird flippy thing and he had felt like he had been made whole again. The dull pain in his chest that had been there from the moment Sam got hurt had disappeared and he had felt like he could finally breath again. 

Even if it wasn't supposed to happen Dean had known that what he felt was not a normal thing to feel for your brother. He wasn't even sure 'love' was a word strong enough to describe his feelings towards Sammy. But if there was no better word to explain all of this he would say that he was in love with his little brother. He didn't love him like you love your brother or any other family member, he was real and honest in love with his brother and it scared the living hell out of him.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry my lazy ass took so long to finish this! betaed by @boykingofgondor --> check her out  
> Enjoy!

Sam never had to fall in love with Dean because for him, it had always been like this. In kindergarten his drawings had always been for Dean.  
It has always been Sam and Dean from the day Mary had put little Sammy into Dean's arms. Whenever Sammy cried they just had to put him into Dean's arms and he would stop. John and Mary would find Dean in Sam's crib because they both slept better when together. Aparently that would never change during their entire lives. 

When the other children would make cards for their parents on mother's day and father's day he would make cards for Dean because even though he had an actual father, Dean was more of a father for him. When the teacher had explained what Valentine's Day was, he had automatically thought of Dean. He had asked his teacher if he could make a card for his brother but the teacher had said that the love for a sibling was a different kind of love. He hadn't understood it at that time. He was sure he would marry Dean when he was older because he just loved Dean so much. And aren't you supposed to marry the person you love most in the world? Dean had been Sam's everything for his entire life. He had always been there for him. Lifting him up when he had fallen, making him food, bathing him, and doing basically everything for him. So Sam had made a Valentine's Day card for Dean because Dean was his everything even if the teacher had said that Valentine's Day cards weren't meant to be for siblings. 

Sure, he had been too young to really understand what love ment but you can see that for Sam, Dean had always been more than just a brother. 

When Sam got older and went to elementary school he would still make cards for Dean on all the important occasions even though his calssmates would make fun of him; everybody developed crushes so on Valentine's Day everybody was eager to get a card from a classmate but not Sam. Sam had continued his tradition of making cards for Dean and only for Dean.  
Besides, Sam loved the smile that had spread across Dean's face everytime Sam gave him one of his selfmade cards. 

When he had moved on to middle school and had started to understand what love was, he had been sure that he was far from normal. Whenever one of his very rare friends had talked about their newest crush and how giddy they would feel whenever they saw that person, Sam couldn't help but think about Dean. 

So you see, for Sam it has always been Dean. Without question, without hesitation. Dean was his father, mother, brother, best friend and first and only crush.  
Sam never had to fall in love because he had always been in love even when he hadn't known what love meant.

As a teenager Sam had started to feel disgusted of himself because the feelings he had for his brother hadn't been normal. He was sure that something had to be very wrong with him. These years were very difficult and lonely for Sam. He obviously couldn't talk to anybody about it, especially not to Dean whom he normally told every little detail about his life. And he obviously couldn't act on it. 

 

One day, when it had all become too much for Sam, he went to the nearest church of the town they were currently living in and confessed everything to the priest. To say the words 'I'm in love with my big brother' out loud had been the single most scary and simultaneously most relieving thing in his entire life.  
He had thought he would be okay after that. He had thought he would be fine once he had got it out and had said it out loud. He had really thought he was doing fine for like a week. But getting it out hadn't meant that the want wasn't still there. That everytime Dean walked out of the shower with just a towel around his waist he wouldn't still follow the little water drops down his torso and watch them disappear into the towell. That he wouldn't wake up from dreams about Dean with his dick throbbing and begging for release. It certainly hadn't helped Sam come to terms with his feelings. He had still been hopelessly in love with his big brother and there had been nothing he could've done to change that. Keeping it all in had made him sick of himself. He had refused to sleep in the same bed with Dean out of fear that he would find out. He had completely sealed himself off; had stopped telling Dean everything and had spent most of his time in libraries or on his bed pretending to be focused on a book. Everytime Dean had asked about how school was he had just said 'fine' without looking up from his current book; everytime Dean had wanted to do something with him his excuse had been that he had too much homework. Sam had seen the hurt in Dean's eyes ever time and it had made him even more sick of himself. 

So you see Sam had lived with this love for Dean pretty much all his life. All his life he had thought of himself as sick and bad and wrong. He had spent so much time trying to get rid of his feelings. Trying everything from confessing to a pastor to hooking up with girls and boys from school. Nothing had worked. If anything it made him fall even more for Dean because no girl or boy on this planet could compare to Dean.  
All in all it had been the reason why Sam had gone to Stanford because it was the last thing he could think of to save Dean from him, getting away as far as possible so he wouldn't ruin Dean's life. And by doing so he had escaped the possibility of Dean finding out and thinking all the things Sam already thought of himself. Because if anything could've made this mess any worse it would be Dean thinking of Sam as disgusting and sick.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry this took me so long. I'm a horrible human beeing!! Anyways give some love to my beta @boykingofgondor !!  
> Hope y'all enjoy this! Comments would be awesome; tell me what i can do better :)

Chapter 3:

This love for his big brother that Sam had bubbling in his chest, threatening to spill over, had been the main reason for him to apply for some scholarships. Sure, the life they were leading was also part of it but not the main reason. He had been too scared that one wrong look would expose him. Or that he would just blurt out something he would have regretted later.   
So one day when he had been supposed to do resaerch at the local library he called his uncle Bobby. When he was going to apply for scholarships he would get mail from various universities and since neither Dean nor John could find out about his plan Bobby was really the only option. So he had called Bobby, asking if he could take his adress as his own home adress. Bobby agreed, not bothering to ask for what he needed an adress. Sam hadn't been ready to tell anybody about it just yet.   
He had sent out his applications, never actually really believing that he would get accepted, and eventually he hadn't thought about it anymore and had forgotten about it.

That was until one day he had received a call from Bobby, telling him he had gotten several letters for him. So when they had stayed at Bobby's for a hunt the next time he had looked through them. The full ride he had gotten for Stanford had been the one to surprise him the most.   
Bobby had told him quietly that he was proud of him and would support him. But Sam had told neither John nor Dean about it. With Dean he hadn't known how to do it. How do you tell the person you've been hopelessly in love with for most of your life who also happens to be your big brother that you were going to leave the family and go to college?? And with John, well, to be honest, Sam had been scared out of his mind to tell him because, let's be real, we all know how well that would've gone. 

So this is how Sam and Dean had found themselves in the situation they're in right now. Dean with the Stanford acceptance letter in his hands, which he had found while taking Sam's dirty clothes out of his duffel to wash them, staring at Sam with tears in his eyes threatening to spill over. And Sam, well Sam doesn't know what to do. See he had this all planned out. He was meant to leave tonight and leave behind a note he had already written. It would've been quick and painless. But that option is gone now. They are both standing in the middle of the room, staring at each other. And Sam knows what's about to happen. Dean will start yelling at him. Asking him why he did it. Why he didn't tell him about it. And Sam doesn't know if he can do that right now. He had it all planned out so he didn't have to go through that. Because he knows Dean would've wanted an explanation and Sam can't just say 'Well I've been hopelessly in love with you since...well since forever so i had to get away somehow to not tell you about it' can he?! But this is all too much for him right now because the man who is his entire world is standing here with the most hurt expression on his face and if there's one thing Sam cannot deal with right now(or ever let's be real) that one thing is his brother being hurt because of him. And he can't think straight because the beautiful green eyes he is looking into right now are glassy with tears and the beautiful bottom lip he thought about kissing so often is trembling and he wants to make it stop. He wants to stride the three steps that are sepperating them and crush their lips together to make it stop. Because if Dean will hate him for going away, for leaving him, he might as well take his only chance to actually feel these lips, if only for a split second. And he knows he's been staring at Deans mouth for too long now and he wills his eyes up to look into the crazy green ones he knows so well and there is one tear escaping them and that's it. Sam can't help it anymore. He is right up in Deans space in a split second. Eyes still locked on each other. The tension is so bad you can physically feel it. Sam gently strokes his thumb over Deans cheek, whiping away the one tear that has escaped. They are staring each other in the eyes so deep Sam is sure he doesn't have to say anything. He is sure that Dean can see everything he has ever felt right there in his eyes. And Sam doesn't care anymore because he is pretty sure Dean knows it all now. Sees all the love and want and desparation in his eyes. And he doesn't remember moving but his lips are on Deans and honestly if he's gonna go to hell for this it was worth it. He thinks he's gonna pass out from the feeling of Dean's lips fitting perfectly on his. He thinks he's crying because Dean's bottom lip that was trembeling a few moments ago fits just right between his lips and he cannot believe how right this feels. How this feels like it was meant to be. Two halves fitting perfectly together. And he hopes to God Dean can feel it too because he doesn't know what to do if Dean was to push him away right now.   
Sam's hands are still on Dean's face, his thumbs stroking over his cheeks and his fingers feeling the short hairs on the back of his brothers neck. And Deans hands have found their way to Sam's waist and Sam thinks he is gonna explode because Dean is responding. Dean is kissing him back. Dean is holding onto him with everything he got. His Dean. 

They break apart because neither of them can breath let alone grasp the meaning of what is happening right now. And now they're standing there again, eyes locked on each other and breathing in the same air. Neither of them knows what to do or what to say. Both of them trying to catch up with what just happened and what that means. Both thinking about how this might be the last time they will hold each other. Both terrified to let go. Both knowing that Sam will go, no matter what. But neither of them is willing to be the first one to let go. Dean cannot let go because Sam will be gone the moment his hands loosen around Sam's waist. Sam cannot let go because he knows he has to go the moment his fingers loosen arounds Dean's neck. Both so desperatly clinging to the other. And both knowing that they can't hold on forever.


End file.
